my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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