now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
