I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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