from now on my penis is your penis
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
