Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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