Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
