i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
