the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
