watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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