The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
