So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
