In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
