so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Found the puke drawer
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
