If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
