Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
