She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
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