Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
