and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
