I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
