I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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