oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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