I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
