Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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