You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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