Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think a kid would responsible me up
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My orgasm happened in two different decades
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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