I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
