Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
