Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Are we still banned from the library?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
