Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
