a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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