About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
