just survived the first fart of the relationship.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
