Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
