So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
