Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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