White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
