the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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