weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
