Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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