theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
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The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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