there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
