I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
