my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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