my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
