He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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