I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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