we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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