who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
