he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
