wrigley field is MILF paradise
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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