Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize