I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
