I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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