I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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