I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
