The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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