i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
