The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i came on her dog
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
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we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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