I feel like I'm in dance class right now
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
