I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
