what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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