made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
