I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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